Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Prisoners Among Us

We are living in a machine age. Its astonishing to see how much man has progressed. Sky scrapers have replaced caves. Animal skin and leaves are out, Dolce & Gabbana is in. Cars have freed animals from their slavery, in most parts. Whether its technology or medicine, things have developed by leaps and bounds. Women are walking shoulder to shoulder with men.I have heard the phrase "equality for all" so many times. But have we really progressed? Or is it just an illusion?

A few days ago I met up with a friend of mine who is committed to a wonderful girl. At one point he mentioned that she wanted to work so she can get experience and he gave her an idea about how she can do it at home if she wanted to. Which seemed reasonable. So I asked him that were they gonna open an office in their home after they get married so she can work? To which he replies, "Are you crazy? I wont let her work after marriage." I asked him why not, if she was working from home. He says, "She should stay at home and raise our children. I want them to have a good up-bringing."

Every Ramadan, my old school organizes a cricket tournament which is open for all and lasts the whole month. I, not being into sports at all, dont bother going. One day the girlfriend of another guy I know informed him that she is going to the tournament with her friends. She knew that the crowd isnt too good over there so she wanted my friend to come along as well. He got super pissed that she decided herself to go there saying things like "I'll break her license!!" It seemed like he wanted her to do exactly what he says. Like a cute, well-trained pet.

Some time ago I came a cross a very weird piece of information. Women in Saudi Arab are not allowed to drive cars. Only men can get licenses in Saudi Arab. Now I dunno if the rule applies throughout the country or just some parts of it. But even if it is some parts, I really dont understand the point of it. If someone is a single mother, then what does she do? Or if there is an emergency and all the men are out, then what?

Every guy has a picture of the girl he would like to marry in the future. She is perfect in every sense. But how many of these men themselves are perfect? If a man has many affairs, he is called a stud whereas a girl would be labeled slut. No matter how many relations we have had in the past, we want our wives to be completely "pure" and untouched. Hell some guys cant even tolerate it if their girlfriends talk to other guys. What logic is this??  It seems like all men want to do is control women. Tell them what to do and what not to do, how to sit, whom to talk to, where to go, what to wear etc.

I saw this pic of Heather Morris depicting violence against women. I was reading the comments from people to see the general reaction. One particular comment caught my eye.

 " She looks like my woman when I come home from work and dinner isnt on the table."

Man has made a lot of progress. We have branded clothes, cars, nice jobs, awesome houses. But the hypocrisy and the misogynist attitude is still there in many men.

Friday, July 8, 2011


Hey peeps!!!!!!!!! I am baaaaack!!!! Did u miss me? Your only option is yes and yes :p And I missed you all too. Just a brief recap of what all happened in this almost two months hiatus. Had my exams. Sadly they didnt go as well as I would've liked. But I aint thinking much about them. Will deal with it when result comes. Brian and I have drifted apart but that's a topic for another post. I got a new short hair do and I like it even if some people dont :p

A few years ago I was living in Pakistan with my relatives for higher education. Me and my cousin, who is just a year younger to me, shared his room. He was very accommodating and gave me every freedom that I would've exercised in my house. We werent too friendly before that but when you start living in the same room, you sort of come close. One day I dont know what got into him but he started cornering me and trying to kiss me. I thought he was kidding or it was some wierd straight guy thing. I have seen straight guys goofing around with each other. I kept backing off and he kept trying so it felt like a game. At one point I got tired of backing off so I said "you wanna kiss me? ok, kiss me!" and I stopped backing off. I expected him to stop seeing that I am not budging. But he just kissed me. Colour me shocked!!

One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. It didnt stop that night. See he is an only child which means him and me were alone in his room at night. I stayed there for almost two years and I cant even count how many nights we spent together. Somewhere along the way, it became more than just sex. With him it didnt feel like just sex, he always made it intimate. And I think it is true that there is no such thing as sex without feelings. When you are naked with someone, you are totally exposed, you have shared your everything with them. How can you not develop feelings? Especially when you live together. He used to take care of me, pamper me, tease me all day long just to get on my nerves. We even fulfilled a few of each other's fantasies but lets not get into details :p

As is the rule of the world, all good things must come to an end. One day he just laid down on the bed with me, held me close and explained why we needed to stop doing this due to religious reasons. I knew what he was saying was true so I couldnt argue. He spoke for about 10 minutes, asked me if I was ok. I said yes. He then said I will always be special to him, kissed me a last time and this chapter got over. I was crushed because I had grown very very fond of him. It was after that day that I started abstaining from sex.

Recently it has come to my knowledge that he is about to get married soon. And its a love marriage. When I first heard about it I was depressed the whole day. Why? I really have no idea. Its been three years so we arent that close anymore. Plus it is sort of awkward between us because now we behave like it never happened. I guess its more of a territorial thingy. A few days ago the girl's family had gone to visit our extended family (grand parents, aunts and all) to check out the family and to seal the deal I guess. That day I just felt like I was under water. I couldnt help but compare how our lives have changed since then. He has completed his education, might be heading off to Dubai to get settled, is going to get married soon to someone he loves, would probably have children soon and live his life. I, on the other hand, still have half of my course left, cant find a permanent job until I complete my studies, might be deported to Pakistan in a year because the Oman government is creating issues for family visa renewal for people over 21, no marriage or love or kids in the future. That was a day of indulging in self-pity. But I am over it now.

Every year we go back to Pakistan for vacations. I had plans of going this year as well. But this whole deal with my cousin is making me double minded. Everyone would expect me to be happy and excited for him especially because we lived together for two years. Dont get me wrong, I am happy for him. Everyone deserves to find love and live their lives happily. But how can I be and show my happiness like everyone else is showing? It all cheering and teasing and laughing. And I dont feel it. But then again, not going to Pakistan because of this reason would be running away or hiding. And I dont wanna be that person. So I might go for a short period.

I just received a text from him as I am about to finish off this post. He says "Hey mate! Why arent you coming to Pakistan? Come for a few days, it'll be fun."

By the way, it would help to know what would you guys do if you were in my shoes. Thanks alot. And also thanks to everyone who pushed me to start blogging again. Love ya all!!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Dedicated To You

Ok. So I have been delaying this post for some time because publishing it would mean it's done. But cant delay it anymore. The gaps between my posts have been growing. My last post was more than two weeks ago. Its obvious that my blog's life is coming to an end. Not because I dont have any new topics. There is a lot of stuff going on in my life which I would love to share with you all. But sadly I dont have the time anymore. My exams are in June and nowadays all my energy is focused on studying. Which doesnt give me time to blog anymore. And yes, blogging is time consuming. First you arrange your thoughts (which already is such a difficult task with my mushy brain), then you type it all out (me being me, I edit ALOT) and most time consuming is choosing an appropriate picture from hundreds (such a difficult task looking at hot naked men).

I have seen quite a few blogs which just die out. The blogger just stops publishing posts and thats it. I dont want that to happen to my blog because it and all of you have been an important part of my life since the last few months. It deserves a proper end. Not necessarily an end since I might continue blogging after my exams. But thats after two months. And knowing myself, I know I'll probably stop. So I thought I'd end it with a shout out to all of you who ever read my blog. After all, I wouldnt have yapped on and on about my life if you guys werent there to read it and offer suggestions or encouragement. So, thank you. All of you who are following my blog, reading it, liking it, commenting on it and helping me. I love each and everyone of you for being my support group and helping me through me issues. Here is a shout out to a few individuals without thanking whom, I cant end it.

Phunk Factor. You have been my guardian angel ever since we met. You made me start blogging and I discovered that I do have a talent and people like it. I cant thank you enough for that. You have always been and I know you will remain, my biggest supporter always. Love ya dude!!

Derric. My one true gay friend in Oman. Even though we sometimes dont agree, you are always there for me when I need ya.

Eros. Even though you rarely comment on my blog, I know you follow it and thanks for being there for me always :)

Samuel Khan. You are SUCH a positive person! All your glowing has made this small bubble of hope inside me and I am grateful to you for it. Plus you give me strength with your devotion to Allah.

Andrea (Andy). My only girl friend who knows I am gay. I love knowing you and treasure your words of wisdom.

Adeel. Your words of encouragement and support always made me feel so warm and happy. And you write awesome mate!

Boi NextDoor. Even though we rarely ever had a chat, I feel like I have a deep connection with you because you have been following my blog since day one. Thank you!

Also to Haider Ali, Dominic, Faisal, Justin, Joshua, Clink, Sam Amk, Chuck, Michael and everyone else who ever read my blog, a BIG thanks from the depth of my heart. If I forgot anyone then please forgive me. I literally checked most of my posts to make this list :p

For those of you who are getting sad, I might be back after my exams. Who knows. I just wanted to thank you all. So my bloggy friends, take care of yourselves, live life to the fullest and most importantly,  have safe sex! :p Loads of love, this is Aaron Khan, signing out.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

High - Five

Been wondering for a few days what to blog about. Life just seems to be full of crap and it just keeps piling and piling. You get through one problem and it seems as if there are two new ones. Just focusing on all your problems is enough to bring anyone down. I for one am tired of blogging about the difficulties I am going through. This is going to be a happy blog post :) For the last few days I have been looking for reasons to be happy  And that gave me the idea for this blog. I am going to post 5 things that make me happy. So that whenever I feel down, I can go back to this post and see that its not so bad. So, lets get on with it:

1. Series

I have been a tv-series addict for a very long time.Grey's Anatomy, Glee,  Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Friends are among my top favorite series. Whenever I watch a show, all my issues seem irrelevant. I get totally absorbed in what's happening with the characters. I feel their pain and happiness. And the best part is that in just 40 minutes, they are able to solve their problems. Which sort of gives me hope that bad times will go away. Moreover, watch series such as Friends and Glee and its literally impossible to be depressed anymore.

2. Music

Best creation of mankind. Even though listening to music is a sin in Islam, I dont think I can ever let go of it. Music is a part of my soul. All day long I have ear phones plugged in. Music has the power to change your mood more than anything. You can go from depressed to happy by just changing the track. Dance has always been one of my passions. So whenever I play a dance number, I just cant stop myself from shaking my groove thing :p And whenever I am alone at home, I put on music,sing and dance. Its so liberating! Happy times.

3. Gym

Two years ago if you had told me I would become a gym lover, I would have laughed. But now, I am slowly becoming addicted to it. If I dont go any day, I start feeling guilty as if I am doing something wrong. I read in an article that physical exercise releases endorphins in your brain which are like stress releasers. So you end up feeling positive instead of sad. This has actually been tested by me. Yesterday I was totally down and didnt feel like doing anything. Still I went to the gym and when I came home, I realized my mood had lifted. Also, when you see your body getting shapely, it alone is enough to make you happy :p

4. Chris.

Chris has been my soul mate friend since childhood. He is the one I go to whenever I need 2 vent about anything. Talking to him makes my problems look smaller and easier to over-come. He always listens quietly while I rant and babble. And once I am done, I feel so light. Technically he isnt a "thing". But he is someone who cheers me up.

5. Fireworks

Ok I know this one is really weird and some people might think it as lame. But there is something really enchanting about fireworks. We had a firework competition in Oman in December. Australia, Italy and France were among the competing countries. The competition was held at a park and would start at 8. People would be yapping, children would be crying and the park would be full of hustle and bustle. But once the show started, everyone would just shut up. And for the next 30 minutes, the whole world would stop existing for me and I would be totally lost in the beautiful shapes, designs and colors of the fireworks. And God knows why, but it always left me with a warm and glowy bubble inside me.

So that was my list of 5 things that cheer me up. Now you should think of 5 things that make you happy. Everybody's life is full of problems. Everybody gets down. It's necessary to remind yourself of things that make you happy.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Fighting With Myself

In today's world, where we are constantly surrounded by temptation, trying to abstain from sex is not an easy thing to do. You can try and fight your sexual urges, sometimes you win, sometimes you loose. This post is about a few recent experiences I had.

One - Night Stud:

Sometime ago I mentioned a guy in my blog who I was really attracted to. You can read about him here. We met a while ago, had a good time. But with my no-sex deal, we didnt go too far. I didnt expect him to ask me out again. Who would with so many restrictions? But to my surprise he asked me to meet him 2,3 times again. However I excused. I was able to control myself one time. Dont know if I could do it again. Yesterday I got a message from him asking me to meet him. I was tired of refusing so I told him that I am still abstaining. He said he was fine with it. My heart started pounding and immediately a debate started in my head between my religious side which wanted me to refuse and my impulsive side which wants me to enjoy life a bit. My urges won and I said yes. 

As soon as I said yes, it felt like my stomach was filled with lead. I knew that with this guy it was just a physical thing. Just sexual attraction. So why did I say yes. Even though I knew I should've said no, I couldnt fight it anymore. So I tried my level best to ignore the lead in my stomach with "I can control myself." We were talking and then the guy asks me for my number. Which I found weird since we had exchanged numbers a long time ago. He started making excuses and I realized something. I was willing to sin with THIS guy??? Someone who had deleted my number and just wanted to get laid for a night? For him I was willing to break my record and be embarrassed infront of Allah? Oh HELL TO THE NO!!! I told him I would text him and then blocked him. You know the best part of this whole experience? The relief that I felt when I realized I wasnt going to see him. I felt elated, like some huge weight had been lifted off my chest. So I thanked Allah from not letting me make a mistake which I knew I would've regretted. 

French Fetish: 

For a very long time I have had this weird thing for France. The men, the language, the fashion, it all enchants me. I was recently contacted by a guy on Manjam. 28 years old, real cute from the looks of his pics and FRENCH!! I read his message and this image popped up in my mind of him whispering stuff in French in my ear while we.......anyways. After the exchange of pics, he said he would love to meet me. My first impulse was to say YES. It was one of my ultimate fantasies coming true. But then the stupid conscience kicked in and explained how its a bad idea because there is no future here at all with this guy. So I actually refused. I refused the cute French guy!! Ugh, it felt so bad, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

Latin-American Mix:

Just today I was contacted by a guy who said he would be visiting Muscat the next week and that he has a White friend who likes me and wants to meet me. The guy also attached his own pic which I didnt understand why. If he wants me to meet his friend, why would he be sending his own pic? Oh, did I mention that he is a Latino? And hot?!! I have asked him that why didnt his friend contact me then. Waiting for his response. But I know I am gonna refuse. Saying no has sort of become my nature now. So now I have a French guy, a Latino and an American guy asking me out. And I am refusing them!

Heaven better be worth it!!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Confusing Relations

Ever been in a relation where you dont know where you stand in the other person's life? Ever been bugged with questions such as "Are we friends or more?", "Why hasnt he called me or emailed me?", "What did he mean when he said this?", "Am I the rebound guy?", "Is this relation going anywhere at all??" So many questions and no answers. I have been living this confusion for the past month or so.

I mentioned about my foriegn affair guy sometime ago. You can read it here. Lets call him Rick from now onwards. When Rick left, I expected things to end. But instead, we became more close. We used to chat all day long through emails. He used to call me 3,4 times a day. I purchased a web cam for him because he wanted to have video chats with me. So then we used to have video chats almost every night. Things seemed to be heading somewhere. He had become a part of my life. My morning started with his good morning message and I slept after we said good night. He told me when he was here that his next trip would be in May. But a few days ago he just let it slip he might visit earlier but would not tell me the date. Plus he wanted to know about the hotels near my place. Yup, things definitely seemed to be going somewhere. Enter his ex.

I mentioned earlier that Rick is in love with his ex. I mean real love. I have so far never seen anyone so devoted to their ex. It didnt bother me. He had made it clear in the first date that his ex was always on his mind. But as time passed, we grew closer. Things started getting confusing for me. We didnt seem like just friends, but then his ex was always between us by something he said or did or something I did that reminded Rick of his ex. I still let it go. I had created a happy bubble of me and Rick having a future and was perfectly content in it. But you know what happens to bubbles right? They burst.

Two days ago Rick called me and told me that he hadnt spoken to his ex in a week and was having a chat with him that day but his ex kept responding in one or two words only. So I suggested Rick (or atleast was trying to) that he shouldnt contact his ex now until the other person does himself. I didnt mean it in an ego competition way. I was trying to help Rick see if his ex even wanted to be in touch with Rick or not. But Rick cut me in mid-sentence and told me not to say anything bout his ex. Ahh, so thats how it feels when someone punches you in the gut. I didnt know what to say to him then so we ended the call. I spent yesterday thinking about how stupid I was. I made up a whole future-relation in my own head. So I decided to end it. I was tired of mind games and questions in my head.

Yesterday I recieved an email from Rick's ex asking me what's going on between Rick and me. Huge surprise for me that he contacted me. I told him that he "should talk to Rick and leave me out of it". I didnt wanna be involved in this love triangle anymore. Today morning, I told Rick about his ex contacting me and asked him what he would have said if his ex had asked him about us. Rick said that since he hadnt asked Rick, there was no need to answer. However, I did get my answer in his non-reply. So I told him that I am pulling myself out of this equation and we are just friends, nothing more.

I know that life is unfair to a lot of people. But I dont live their life so I dunno what they feel. I do live my own life and so far I have had pretty bad experiences, some I mentioned on my blog, some I didnt. So I have built up a lot of walls around me and I dont let people break them. Because people tend to break your walls, take a piece of you and leave. Until you are nothing but a shadow of what you used to be. Am I ok? No. How can I be? Someone had become a part of my life and now I have to start living without them in my days and nights. Will I be ok? You bet! Life has taught me that there is only one person who can truly take care of you, and its you. You are your own knight in shining armour and only you can fight your demons. Relying on anyone else just makes you weak. So I am doing this for myself. Until I am sure that someone wants ME and will be there for me, I wont give them even an inch of myself.

My head was filed with so many questions. So many doubts. So many confusions. But now its all clear.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Tongue-Tied Lecturer

I have been a lecturer for more than two years. Being a lecturer at the age of 22 has its own difficulties. The image of a lecturer in our minds is that of a middle age guy with greying hair, in a tweed suit, wearing glasses and having eyes full of wisdom. A young guy with a french beard, long hair, t-shirts, torn jeans and earphones plugged in? Yeah, not so much.

My first batch was a horrible experience. I didnt know how to act like a proper lecturer. So instead of being a lecturer, I tried to be the friend of students. They didnt take me seriously because of me being young an all, so I used to be waiting for them in class while they were in the bowling centre! Baaaaad experience. When my second batch started, I took a leaf out of Dr. Miranda Bailey's book from Grey's anatomy. The first class, as an introduction of myself, I told the students how I am in a position to make their lives hell if they cross me. And I have been doing this since then because it is very effective plus fun for me. I do become friendly overtime. But the initial lecture? It stays with them.

I have had a pretty diverse group of students with respect to nationalities as well as age. Some are just 17 years old whereas there are some who are in their late 30s with 2,3 kids!! But to them, inside the classroom, I am their lecturer. I have always had this thing where I get sort of nervous and uncomfortable infront of a real good looking guy. Mostly I either dont talk to them or if I have to, I avoid eye contact. I wondered what would I do if I ever got a hunk as a student. But thankfully that never hapenned. Most of my male students were average looking. No one ever grabbed my attention except one who was a little above average but still just a kid. I've had pretty good looking female students. But sadly, not interestd ;)

Yesterday I was teaching as usual when the door opened and in came a guy from my nightmares! Very short hair, french beard, curious eyes, height almost as same as mine and a hot body!! I saw him and was filled with dread. I asked him if he was looking for my class or came accidentally. I kept praying "please say by mistake, please!!!" But he said he was looking for my class. So I asked him to sit down. Then I turned towards the board to compose myself. Also, I had totally forgotten what I was teaching!!!

For the first few minutes I totally avoided looking at him because he was staring at me! Other students look at me, he STARES!!!! As a result, I got almost tongue tied once or twice when I did look at him.I was worried that if I looked into his eyes, he would figure out I am gay! Silly me. But then I tried to calm myself and get over this phobia. He was after all my student. I made him very small in my head, put him in a tiny box and looked at him. Man, he can stare! Lol. But then I asked him a few questions, helped him in solving a few, so I was able to get through the day without embarassing myself. I did however cover my crotch area with my notes every time I turned towards the students!

Anyways, the dean has asked me to give a few extra classes to the new comers, including him. Here's hoping I dont make a fool of myself :) But is it soooooo bad to just hope that he finds me alone in the class sitting on the desk, closes the door, comes within inches of my face, grabs me firmly and.........crap! I am a BAD lecturer!!!