A few years ago I was living in Pakistan with my relatives for higher education. Me and my cousin, who is just a year younger to me, shared his room. He was very accommodating and gave me every freedom that I would've exercised in my house. We werent too friendly before that but when you start living in the same room, you sort of come close. One day I dont know what got into him but he started cornering me and trying to kiss me. I thought he was kidding or it was some wierd straight guy thing. I have seen straight guys goofing around with each other. I kept backing off and he kept trying so it felt like a game. At one point I got tired of backing off so I said "you wanna kiss me? ok, kiss me!" and I stopped backing off. I expected him to stop seeing that I am not budging. But he just kissed me. Colour me shocked!!
One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. It didnt stop that night. See he is an only child which means him and me were alone in his room at night. I stayed there for almost two years and I cant even count how many nights we spent together. Somewhere along the way, it became more than just sex. With him it didnt feel like just sex, he always made it intimate. And I think it is true that there is no such thing as sex without feelings. When you are naked with someone, you are totally exposed, you have shared your everything with them. How can you not develop feelings? Especially when you live together. He used to take care of me, pamper me, tease me all day long just to get on my nerves. We even fulfilled a few of each other's fantasies but lets not get into details :p
As is the rule of the world, all good things must come to an end. One day he just laid down on the bed with me, held me close and explained why we needed to stop doing this due to religious reasons. I knew what he was saying was true so I couldnt argue. He spoke for about 10 minutes, asked me if I was ok. I said yes. He then said I will always be special to him, kissed me a last time and this chapter got over. I was crushed because I had grown very very fond of him. It was after that day that I started abstaining from sex.
Recently it has come to my knowledge that he is about to get married soon. And its a love marriage. When I first heard about it I was depressed the whole day. Why? I really have no idea. Its been three years so we arent that close anymore. Plus it is sort of awkward between us because now we behave like it never happened. I guess its more of a territorial thingy. A few days ago the girl's family had gone to visit our extended family (grand parents, aunts and all) to check out the family and to seal the deal I guess. That day I just felt like I was under water. I couldnt help but compare how our lives have changed since then. He has completed his education, might be heading off to Dubai to get settled, is going to get married soon to someone he loves, would probably have children soon and live his life. I, on the other hand, still have half of my course left, cant find a permanent job until I complete my studies, might be deported to Pakistan in a year because the Oman government is creating issues for family visa renewal for people over 21, no marriage or love or kids in the future. That was a day of indulging in self-pity. But I am over it now.
Every year we go back to Pakistan for vacations. I had plans of going this year as well. But this whole deal with my cousin is making me double minded. Everyone would expect me to be happy and excited for him especially because we lived together for two years. Dont get me wrong, I am happy for him. Everyone deserves to find love and live their lives happily. But how can I be and show my happiness like everyone else is showing? It all cheering and teasing and laughing. And I dont feel it. But then again, not going to Pakistan because of this reason would be running away or hiding. And I dont wanna be that person. So I might go for a short period.
I just received a text from him as I am about to finish off this post. He says "Hey mate! Why arent you coming to Pakistan? Come for a few days, it'll be fun."
By the way, it would help to know what would you guys do if you were in my shoes. Thanks alot. And also thanks to everyone who pushed me to start blogging again. Love ya all!!
