Loser Like Me

"Why arent you more like every other guy?"


"Why dont you like sports? Cars?"


"Why arent you social?"


"You dont have a dressing sense."


"Your are so thin."


"Your walk is wierd."


From the time we enter teenage, we are showered with criticism. Seems like everyone wants us to be their version of "proper". Being a gay kid, I received 10 times the criticism than every other kid. Given above are just a few decent ones. From what I have seen so far, every gay person has a feminish side. In some people its more dominant than the male side and in others, there are just tiny hints of girlishness. It could be in their walk, how they talk, hand gestures etc. I was no exception. I wasnt a flaming queen. But I was more girly than a guy should be. So my childhood was filled with comments and snide remarks from my schoolmates to sometimes my cousins. As a result I kept to myself. The less people know me the better, was my theory.


As I grew up, I started growing out of it. I heard all the criticism and used it to my advantage, shaping myself into what I thought should be proper behavior for a guy. I knew I had a few girly habits, so I always made every effort to just shove them deep inside from where they cant come out. And I grew out of those habits. Seeing me walking down the street or talking to someone, you cant make out that I am the same guy who is used to be in school. The max that you will think of me is that I am a bit shy. An when I crossed my teenage, fashion sense kicked in and now I am among the best dressed in my institute.With time, the scrawny, bit girly, ugly kid from my past sort of disappeared from my memories. And I let my guard down. Big mistake.

A few days ago, I recieved an sms from a girl from my institute who flirts alot with me. That message was sent to me by mistake and in it she referred to me as the "Fake Hair Guy". Which I guess is fair since I use a flat iron to style my hair so my hair is not like every other guy. But still it pinched that she pretends to be such a good friend of mine on my face and makes fun of me behind my back. I thanked her for the compliment and she launched into an explanation of how this is what girl's do and it was just a joke. I didnt bother replying.


Yesterday I was with Brian and Chris and at one point Brian (who is more social than anyone I know) mentioned that a group of guys he hangs out with make fun of me. I was quite shocked on hearing that and I asked him why would they make fun of me? I dont even hang out with them, just hi hello. Brian told me that its a thing which they do from my school time. I was joked about then, so now they still do it, sometimes acting out like me. I didnt quite understand this because I am no longer the same guy, so why would they still make fun of me for something I am not? 


This kinda brought me down and I got lost in my thoughts for the remainder of the evening. I just kept wondering what is it that I am still doing wrong. There must be something that I didnt pay attention to or else I wudnt have been made fun of. I kept thinking even after reaching home and then it hit me. Nothing was wrong with me. I realized that there will always be someone who will want to change something in me. I will always come across people who will have some problem with me. I should learn to just block them out and live my life how I want to! Do stuff what I want even if it is roaming on the street in banana leaves!!! Wait, scratch that. Bad idea. On a serious note, we should live our lives on our own rules and not let the negativity of other people sink in. Because they just comment and move on and we are left with the negativity inside us. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt,


"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."


So to all the haters and critics, I got only one thing to say. You can say whatever you want, pass as many remarks as you can, make fun of me to make yourself feel better.....doesnt bother me. Because the person who wast effected by all this has left the building!

Didnt quite like this song when I first heard it, but now it stuck in my head! Plus it totally fits the post.

Lines Crossed

This is gonna be a looooong post. Bear with me please. Also, I wont post any pic. Because with this topic, I can only link this song below. It reeks of haunting love, unfulfilled desires, regret and sadness.

 I had a class yesterday. Dont know if I have mentioned it but I am a lecturer. Brian called me up in the afternoon to meet me but I was preparing for my class so he told me that him and Chris will pick me up after my class and we will hang out. So after my class, we all went to KFC, then drove around a bit. After about an hour we headed to a spot near the beach where we always go in the end whenever we meet. Its at the seaside, no one comes there so its very peaceful. After some time we ran out of topics to talk about, Brian was texting his girlfriend and Chris and I were just sitting. So I got bored and started poking and teasing both of them. That is what I do. Better than just sitting and getting bored. I start teasing people like a child.

At one point I was standing with my back to the waist-high wall with my legs a bit spread apart. Brian comes and places himself between my knees and starts squeezing my upper thighs with an "I'm gonna do it" expression.

So I told him, "Do whatever you want."
"Are you sure?" Brian asked.
"Yeah, its not as if you are going to do something huge, so go ahead", I replied

He grabs my shoulders and comes near. He asked me if I am sure and I said yes. I thought he would start fooling around again. That's what he always does. Fool around. The next thing I know, his lips are on mine. Goosebumps erupted all over my body and my heart started pounding. It lasted only for like two seconds. It was just a peck on my lips. I just turned around with my hand on my mouth and I heard Chris literally screaming at Brian. After a few seconds Brian came from behind me and I felt his hand on my stomach but I pushed him back shouting "Have you gone crazy?!!!!"

Then something came onto me and I got all "You wanna do it? Ok! Do it now!". Brian got into his challenge mode and said "Not here, lets go to the car". I agreed. I was fucking tired of backing off! We left and Chris just kept shouting if we both had lost it. Once in the car, we were in the front seat. Chris sat in the back. I asked Brian, "Now what? Finished?" So he put his hand on my chest and then moved it in my tshirt. Just as he as about to reach my nipple, I grabbed his hand and pulled it out. He started laughing in a "I knew you wouldnt lemme do it" way. I told him, would he let me grab his nipple? He replied by grabbing my hand and putting it under his shirt. I closed my fist. Didnt wanna touch anything. So he removed his tshirt! Chris shouted again that we are in public so he put it back on.

We just sat there doing nothing for a minute. I felt glad that I won. I knew he wouldnt do anything when it actually comes to doing it. So I said "I knew it" and asked Chris to come to the front seat. I usually sit in the back. I sat on the back seat and Brian followed! He closed the door and sat near me. I asked "What now??". In a matter of seconds he had unbuckled my belt, un-do my zip and his hand was going in my pants. I did the same thing mostly to make him realize what he was doing so he would stop. My hand was inside his underwear and I accidentally brushed his penis. I told him I wont stop but he said he didnt ask me to stop. And then his hand was on my dick, but my underwear was between the two :p Then Chris drove onto the main road and it was all lights in the car so we pulled out our hands. After a few seconds something got into Brian again and he started moving towards me. I had decided not to back off! So I just bent myself a bit backwards so he was sort of on top of me. I asked him, "What now?" Then he pecked my lips again. Then he opened his mouth and kissed me. Two or three times, I cant remember. Then I think I turned my face away because I felt him kiss my neck. Then he stopped because Chris was livid with anger! He shouted alot at Brian and said alot of things. Some of which are:

"Are you gay? Or bisexual"
"How can you kiss a guy like this and not feel wierd?!"
"You need to stop doing this coz you r grossing me out!"
"You are willing to cheat on your girlfriend?!!!"

Brian took everything as a joke for a while. He told us he has kissed two of his other friends before because in his other group, those guys sometimes kiss each other as a challenge. Then he looked at me, smiled and said "But I always keep my mouth closed. You are the first one with whom I opened my mouth." To which I replied "I am so honored, lemme go and kill myself!!". Then we headed off to a mall to get some stuff for Chris. Coincidentally my parents were also there. We were standing with them when I looked towards the counter and saw Travis standing there and checking me out! My heart jumped to my mouth as it always does whenever I see him. But I just kept looking because he seemed different, fatter. Then my phone rang and it was my Foreign Affair guy. So I was in the mall, still reeling from the shock of what Brian did, Mum talking to me about jewelery, Travis staring at me and I was on the phone. Its a wonder my brain didnt turn into mush!

After coming home I texted Chris asking him why was he so angry. He isnt a homophobe in the least bit! Turns out he was trying to protect me. He wanted Brian to understand what he was doing and that he shudnt do somethings being a straight guy to someone who isnt straight. I am so lucky to have Chris. And today its gonna be a showdown between me and Brian. I have called them both to meet me. I have had enough. And I am gonna give Brian a piece of my mind. If it goes as it is in my head, it gonna be epic and an awesome next post. Till then, cheers peeps!

A FOREIGN AFFAIR

The internet has made the world such a small place. I live in Oman but I have made friends in US, UK, India, Pakistan and Dubai. The thing is, I made friends without seeing where the person lives, but I didnt expect one of them to actually turn up in Oman.

A few days ago I mentioned a guy on my blog. You can read about him here. We have been chatting on and off since then. A few days ago he mentioned that he would be coming to Oman for 3,4 days. He called me Saturday morning and told me that he is on his way to Muscat and would reach in the afternoon. He suggested we meet up in the evening. So I cut short my teaching class and met him.We went to the beach, walked for a while and then sat down at a real quite place. We were together for about two hours and mostly we just spoke about his ex. He is in love with his ex who is now committed to someone else. At the end of the meeting when I was leaving, I wasnt expecting him to contact me again because he mentioned that he only meets guys once and also because he had no interest in me. No he didnt say this but if a guy talks more about his ex than you, then you sort of get the impression that he isnt into you. After the meet-up, I went out for dinner with my family. During dinner I got a text from him asking if I could hang out with him after dinner. I couldnt so I refused.

The next day I was leaving for gym when I got  a call from him asking if I could meet him. I had an hour to spare so I agreed. We met up and I came back home after four hours!!! :P We went to his hotel room and hung out there. Now, people. Stop your wild imagination. We didnt have sex. The pants stayed on. The pants ;) I had a real good time. And he seemed to enjoy as well. We talked, joked, kissed, cuddled. Then I had to leave because Mum was getting worried. He was here for four full days and we met everyday. Three times we went to his hotel and once we went to KFC to have dinner which he termed as "my date". I never let anyone pay for my dinner when I am on a date. But in this case, the look in his eyes told me that I wouldnt win so I let him pay. The poor guy did my pick and drop every time. Once he even came to pick me from my house even though he didnt know it was my place. Just a coincidence. I have a few shops under my house and he knew that place so he thought he'd meet me there.

Today was his last day in Oman. He had planned to leave around 10:30 AM. He was about to leave when he got a call for a meeting at 12:30. He had more than an hour to kill so he called me and came to pick me from my house. We met up, stayed in the car, listened to songs and talked. When it was time for his meeting, I shook his hands and he left. Later I realized that I didnt even hug him. And that sort of made me sad because he told me his next visit might be in May. He texted me when his meeting got over and I sort of mentioned that we didnt even hug. After a few minutes he asked me to come down. I thought he was messing with me but when I came down, he was actually there! We hugged tightly and I kissed him stealthily on his cheek. My first ever PDA!!! Then he finally left. I later got to know that he had left his car under my building and gone for the meeting in his client's car :p But still, for a few minutes I got to feel precious! ;)

Even though he left around 2:30 pm, we kept in touch till 7:15. He kept texting me about where he is and how the conditions on the roads are. Protests are going on in Oman and I was worried. And just now I received his text about reaching home. Even though its obvious that he is in love with his ex and he kept talking about him, I connected really well with him. He struck chords in me that no one has before. And he came more close to my life than anyone else from the internet has. He saw my house and he actually saw Chris and Brian. In a way I am a little glad that he left today. I will miss him yes, but any more meetings and I would've started getting attached to him. And what's the point of checking out paths that you are not gonna take right?

My life here is usually pretty dull. Class, gym, occasionally hang out with friends and surfing the net. Nothing out of the ordinary routine. But this four day rendezvous was a very refreshing experience. One that I will cherish for a long time.

Anniversary Surprises

Yesterday was my Mom and Dad's wedding anniversary. That also 25th. We had a wonderful time. But before going into details, a brief recap.

Mom was kinda feeling pretty down since the last two days. Part of the reason was that she wanted to celebrate her anniversary with our entire family in Karachi. But since none of us could leave our studies or jobs, we couldnt go. The other part of the reason was that her kids have grown up. Mom has always been very close and involved in our lives. We used to discuss everything with her. Well ofcourse apart from my gayness.But now we all have our own lives and things we cant tell her. We grew up. She is having a hard time accepting that. Due to which she was depressed and missing her family more.

I tend to try and do something special for my loved ones. Something which has me writen all over it :p So a month before the date, I wore my thinking cap and started going through ideas as to how to make this day memorable. Usually people give a big party and call all their friends. But we dont have a big friend circle. And most of our family friends are religious. Meaning segregation in the party. Hell no!. Budget wasnt much so I decided to decorate the lounge in themes of silver and white. So I bought silver streamers, fancy ribbons and stuff. But I wasnt satisfied. I wanted something more. Then I saw an arch-shaped thing somewhere, all decorated and beautiful and new that I wanted it! I just wanted a beautiful arch in the lounge!

The next part was figuring out how to make one! And yes I wanted to make one. Personal touch. I went to so many places to get an idea. I even considered getting logs of wood and making one myself! Sweaty shirtless woodcutter, HOT! :P Thank God I didnt know where to get wood from. So I got two cloth stands, you know the ones on which you can hang your clothes, and decided 2 used them as an arch. I covered them in a beautiful silverish cloth and streamers with hand knitten number "25" and "Happy Anniversary" hanging from it. Two days before the anniversary, I went to Chris's house and set everything up. And on 25th Feb, at 5:30 AM, my siblings and I got up and started the decorations. We finished everything up around 10 AM and that's went Dad entered the lounge. He was shocked for a second and then this broad smile came on his face and he kept smiling for a minute or two, looking at everything.

Around 12 pm I got a call and had to go to my room because it was a very dear gay friend of mine and we talk openly which I couldnt do with my family sitting around. After the call I came back to the lounge and saw that Mum was awake and had seen it all. Saying she looked shocked would be an understatement. She came and hugged me and got all teary eyed and super emotional. That whole day Mum was SO happy. She hugged me three times the entire day which rarely happens because I dont usually hug :P Seeing that her children made efforts to make their parents happy seemed to restore something in her. I could feel it. That day we took many pics and they were awesome, mostly because of me decorations :P I really really wanna post pics of the decor over here so I can share with you guys. But cant.

I rarely feel proud to be gay. Usually due to being gay, my life is filled with all sorts of crap. But if it werent for my gay side, the thought of doing all this would never have occurred to me. The glowy and happy look on Mum's face and in her eyes? Totally worth the crap :)

A Bloody Problem

I am usually very cautious when meeting guys from the internet. You never know who might be on the other end. It could be a decent guy or an ax-wielding murderer. So in order to make sure that I know what I am getting into, I chat with the other guy at least 3,4 times and exchanging pics is a must. I once went to a blind date and......lets just say I wished I was blind! Only when a guy passes through all my screenings, then I agree to meet up. Mostly in that duration you can figure out which guys are just looking for hook ups and who is into more than just sex.

I started chatting with a guy a few weeks ago. He is an Omani and he can speak pretty good English which is a huge plus because mostly they dont have good command on English due to which it becomes very difficult to communicate with them. A guy told me once "Babi, I am very haarny." (Baby, I am very horny). I shuddered and pressed the block button. Yes I can be a real bitch when it comes to filtering people. I dont like to waste my time.Anyways back to the guy. So we had quite a good conversation, he taught me how to type in arabic and I taught him the meaning of some English words. We exchanged pics and he is good looking. Sometimes he used to flirt with me so I responded in that way. In short, we have become quite friendly.

However, most of the time he used to be at home. He told me he wasnt well, in the first chat. I figured out it might be. When he showed me latest pics of his, it seems to me that he had dark circles and his eyes were sort of a yellowish shade. When I asked him about it, he just laughed it off. So I let it go, pics can sometimes mess up the features. Anyways, we chatted for about 2 weeks and then he just disappeared. I didnt understand at first what had happened. He seemed quite into me but then you find weird people on the net all the time. So I placed him in the "Weird" category and moved on.

After about 10,12 days, he came online again last night. And he started the chat with "miss you". I was kinda pretty pissed at his disappearing act and me being me, I gave him a piece of my mind. This is how it went.

Me: "Are you kidding me? You disappeared for almost to weeks without any explanation and now you come and say miss you and expect me to say the same??? Where the hell have you been?!"

Him: "Sorry my friend I was sick."

Me: "Yeah you told me that two weeks ago and I wanna know what is it?"

Him: "I will tell you later."

Me: "You know what, I am tired of waiting. You keep on saying later. I wanna know NOW."

There was a pause for about a minute and I wondered if he had gone offline. Then his reply came,

"I have Hepatitis B"

Fuck!! I was horrified! And I felt so sorry for him. Now, I dunno much about hepatitis but I do know thats its not flu! And it can be transmitted! Anyways, I gulped down my shock and we chatted a bit about his illness. He doesnt know how he got it and he didnt tell me at first because people usually run away when they hear about it. Also, he says that there are periods when the virus is back and then its gone. And he was away because he was ill and resting. But now he is ok again and wants to meet me! I didnt know what to say so I stalled by saying that I have classes all this week. But I cant ignore him like this. I wont. Ignoring him or avoiding meeting him just because he has Hepatitis would be cruel. It might crush him and I wont do that to another human being! So I told him I will be free next week. But I am kinda worried now. What if he wants to kiss me? Can Hepatitis be transferred by a kiss? How do I avoid it? I tried reading about it on the internet but it was just loads of medical terms! So anyone who has any ideas, I'd really appreciate any useful information. Because frankly, yellow eyes? I cannot rock that look!

A Bite To Remember

I live quite a boring life. I dont have a huge friend circle. All I do is go to classes and back home. Sometimes I go on dates but they usually tun out to be disappointing so I have stopped doing that as well. And that is how I have started to expect my life to be. Boring and dull. But sometimes things happen that kind of shake you completely. This post is about one of them.


I was with Brian and Chris yesterday at Brian's place. If you are a new reader, then more details are here. We usually dont hang out at each other's houses. But Brian had some work so we were at his place. We were all cuddled up on Brian's bed while Chris did some work on the laptop. Brian had one arm around my shoulder and the other on my lower back. After a little while he slowly started pulling my sleeves up. At first I kept pulling them down but he wouldnt stop so I let him be. Then he started caressing my upper arm slowly and sensually. Then he started peeling the t-shrt from my shoulder and slowly started moving his hand towards my nipples. I'd had enough, I grabbed his hand and held it. So with his other hand, the one near my lower back, he started slowly pulling up my t-shirt. As luck would have it, his phone rang and he had to stop. Chris didnt have any idea what was going on behind him.

After like two hours or so we ran out of topics to talk about. At that point, Brian was doing work on his laptop, Chris and I were just sitting. It got boring after a while. I just cant sit idle. It makes me strangely uncomfortable. So I started messing with Chris and we started fighting like little kids do. Built-wise, Chris is slimmer than me. So when I was about to overpower him, he asked Brian to step in and help him. Brian. who is taller and more well built than me, got up came around the bed, easily picked me in his arms and laid me on the the other side of the bed. He wrestled me easily into a position from where I literally couldnt do anything except say that I will behave after which he let me go. But still, Chris and I kept on playing like little idiotic kids. Had to pass the time somehow till Brian was busy with his work.

I have a habit of using the word fuck often.When we all were just sitting and talking, I said fuck on something. Then Brian says, "Lets try that from today onwards we wont swear at all. No using bad words". Brian is someone who can curse like a truck driver. So I laughed and said I will use the word fuck as much as I want. I actually said "Fuckitty FUCK FUCK FUCK!". To tease me, Brian asked God to forgive me for using abusive words with a smirk on his face. So I got real close to his face and said "Fuck you!". What happened next is a blur except for a few things.

I remember Brian quickly getting up from the bed, coming to my side. He wrestled me on the bed which I lost coz he is bigger than me, pinned my arms and laid on top of me, his face just inches from mine. He asked me to say sorry which I didnt so he smiled, looked into my eyes and kept coming closer. When his lips were close enough to brush mine, I turned my head to the right and dug it in the pillow. Then I felt him kissing my neck and a current of shock ran through me. He bit my neck softly, when I tried to pull away, he held on and said "Say Sorry". Now people, I dont say sorry at all if I believe I am right. So I didnt. Instead I tried to wiggle my neck out of his teeth while Chris kept on asking if we both have gone mad! I got my neck free and looked into his eyes again. He kept coming closer to kiss me and at the last moment, Chris shoved a paper between our faces. Brian tried to remove it with his teeth since he wasnt willing to let go of my hands. He actually bit my cheek while trying to move the paper. Once it was gone and he was out of breath, he started nuzzling his face against mine and laid his head on my chest for a few seconds. Then, again he started inching towards my lips. This time I didnt back down or turn sideways. I was kind of in shock and couldnt move much. Just before his lips could touch mine, Chris again shoved a paper between our lips while asking Brian if he had turned gay! Brian again tried to move the paper with his teeth and this time he pulled my lower lip along with the paper. Then I think something sink in because he got off me. Chris told me later that he had asked Brian at that time in a serious tone whether he was gay, to which Brian didnt reply but changed the topic.

After catching our breaths again, Chris asked Brian,
"Would you have kissed him?"
 Brian said "Yes"
 I turned to him and asked in a shocked voice "You actually would'v kissed me???"
Again he says "Yes"
Baffled, I asked "Why?? Why would you do that?"
And he replies, "No reason"

Then I remembered his "love"bite and rushed to the mirror to see if he had left a mark on my neck. It was there, but not too visible. To make a point, I told Brian that if he did any such thing again, I WILL bite his neck and wont back off. He came close, showed me his neck and said, "Do it now!" and started goading me into doing it. Chris put an end to this madness by coming in between us and pushing us far apart asking if we had totally lost it!!! Brian smiled and went out of the room, the door closing behind him. Chris and I stood there in silence for a while, taking it all in. Then I asked him,

"You still think it's in my head?"

Chris replies, "Nopes".

Valentines Day

Valentines day. Ugh. I have always been a supporter of Valentines day. Although some of my friends are not in favour of it. They ask me that "why do you need a day to show someone that you love them?" Sure I agree with them. You dont need a particular day to show people that you love them. But who shows their lover how much they love them every day? Sometimes people even forget to say "I love You". So if you are getting one day to show someone how special they are to you, then why not do it?

Anyways, I wasnt expecting to post about my Valentines day since I dont have any Valentine. But a few things worth mentioning happened so i thought why not. It has been a long time since I blogged. My Valentines day started with a message from my ex-girlfriend Claire!

"Happy Valentines Day to you.....hope you are doing good"

It was actually quite a shock for me because I wasnt expecting it at all. Partly because we arent exactly friends anymore, just cordial if we meet somewhere. And also because I met Claire a few days ago in a festival organized by our old school where we used to go together when we were dating. But this time she wasnt with me. She was with her new boyfriend. Yup, you read it correct. Claire apparently has a boyfriend. The festival went downhill for me from then on partly because she had moved on and also because my school time friends (who knew we were a couple) kept asking me who was the other guy. I didnt even wanna go to the festival in the first place because I knew she'd be there. But Brian forced me to go. And as a treat, I got to see her with a new guy.

Anways, back to valentines day. So i asked her if her boyfriend knows that she is wishing her ex. Apparently he did. It took me a little longer than usual to go to sleep that night. Got up the next day and went to a Valentines day party in my college. Usually I am not much of a party guy. I only go if I know my friends are coming. But this time I just didnt care. I needed a change. And it was a good change. I had fun socializing and being an idiot for a change.

After that me and a gay friend of mine had decided to meet up and watch a movie. His boyfriend was busy so he was alone. So I went to his place to celebrate our alone-ness. He had gone to get a few things so I waited outside his house. He returned a few minutes later.......with his boyfriend right behind him. I quickly re-arranged my expression to happiness and greeted them both and we went inside. Now people let me tell you, when you are alone in a room with your friend and his boyfriend on Valentines day? It's fucking horrifying!! The big elephant in the room (who no one wanted to address) was when the hell was I leaving. But I couldnt leave just then, it seemed obvious. So I sat with them for an hour or so. Now I wish I hadnt done that. Watching them together, the way they teased with each other, flirted, sat closely with their bodies touching and all, it just made me see what I didnt have. And that is not a good reminder when you are alone at Valentines day!


When I left his place I was quite down. My evening of enjoyment with my friend had turned into a pit of depression. It took me a trip to KFC to cheer me up. Then I went home, watched a movie and waited for this  bloody day to get over.