Temptation

I have been using fake profiles on social networking sites for more than a year now. No, I had used them before but stopped for a long time. I didnt live in a box you know :) Mostly what I have seen is that people use these sites for hook ups and one nighters. Which makes life a tad bit more difficult since I make it very clear that I wont have sex. Usually this statement is followed by silence for a VERY long time. But sometimes you can also come across a person who agrees that gay is not a synonym for sex. Rare gems which I treasure.

I have met many people from the internet. Ok, many was when I was in Karachi for two years. Since coming back, I have met 2,3 people. The problem with me is that very rarely am I attracted to a guy I meet online. You know, that feeling which makes your heart beat louder,butterflies in stomach? That kinda feeling. Also when I have sex, its like I have this mental block in my brain. When I feel that things are going too far and I dont wanna take it further, I can totally disconnect myself from whats happening and stop myself. 

A few days ago I was added by a guy. We had a good chat. He is 30 years old so he is mature and sensible than me. He seemed interesting so I kept chatting. Atleast he didnt ask for my number or ask me to meet him the same day. When we exchanged pics, it was quite a surprise for me. A good looking and muscular guy stared at me from his pic and man was I turned on! Even his poses were sexy! But ofcourse I didnt say anything. I'd never show to a guy that I am attracted to him. So we met online a few more times and it was fun talking to him. Then came the topic of meeting .

Now usually I dont have much qualms about meeting a guy. Except that he might be an axe-wielding serial killer :P But when he mentioned meeting me, I got all tensed. The reason is that I find him quite hot. Its more of a physical thing than a mental connection.I always had a thing for big strong men ;) And this time I am quite worried that it would be me who takes it to the next level even though he has clearly said that he wont do anything that crosses any lines drawn by me. But what if I use his underwear to erase my line made of chalk?? So i postponed meeting him making up an excuse. And he was all understanding and stuff.

I spoke with Chris about my dilemma and he just told me words that I already knew but was trying to shut them out. I chose to abstain from sex. For Allah. It was a decision taken by me coz I wanted to do it. And I have tried my best to stick to it. Have faltered sometimes. Its not easy refusing sex you know! But so far I'd say I am doing pretty good. And now its pretty clear and obvious that this guy is gonna break my record and take away my virginity. Yes, I havent had sex in a REALLY long while so I am pretty sure my virginity is back! So my option I guess is not meeting him at all. Coz even if we meet in a public place and he just suggests going back to his place, I'd totally be on-board. So I guess its decided. No meeting hot hunks!

Heaven better be worth it!!!