Confusing Relations

Ever been in a relation where you dont know where you stand in the other person's life? Ever been bugged with questions such as "Are we friends or more?", "Why hasnt he called me or emailed me?", "What did he mean when he said this?", "Am I the rebound guy?", "Is this relation going anywhere at all??" So many questions and no answers. I have been living this confusion for the past month or so.

I mentioned about my foriegn affair guy sometime ago. You can read it here. Lets call him Rick from now onwards. When Rick left, I expected things to end. But instead, we became more close. We used to chat all day long through emails. He used to call me 3,4 times a day. I purchased a web cam for him because he wanted to have video chats with me. So then we used to have video chats almost every night. Things seemed to be heading somewhere. He had become a part of my life. My morning started with his good morning message and I slept after we said good night. He told me when he was here that his next trip would be in May. But a few days ago he just let it slip he might visit earlier but would not tell me the date. Plus he wanted to know about the hotels near my place. Yup, things definitely seemed to be going somewhere. Enter his ex.

I mentioned earlier that Rick is in love with his ex. I mean real love. I have so far never seen anyone so devoted to their ex. It didnt bother me. He had made it clear in the first date that his ex was always on his mind. But as time passed, we grew closer. Things started getting confusing for me. We didnt seem like just friends, but then his ex was always between us by something he said or did or something I did that reminded Rick of his ex. I still let it go. I had created a happy bubble of me and Rick having a future and was perfectly content in it. But you know what happens to bubbles right? They burst.

Two days ago Rick called me and told me that he hadnt spoken to his ex in a week and was having a chat with him that day but his ex kept responding in one or two words only. So I suggested Rick (or atleast was trying to) that he shouldnt contact his ex now until the other person does himself. I didnt mean it in an ego competition way. I was trying to help Rick see if his ex even wanted to be in touch with Rick or not. But Rick cut me in mid-sentence and told me not to say anything bout his ex. Ahh, so thats how it feels when someone punches you in the gut. I didnt know what to say to him then so we ended the call. I spent yesterday thinking about how stupid I was. I made up a whole future-relation in my own head. So I decided to end it. I was tired of mind games and questions in my head.

Yesterday I recieved an email from Rick's ex asking me what's going on between Rick and me. Huge surprise for me that he contacted me. I told him that he "should talk to Rick and leave me out of it". I didnt wanna be involved in this love triangle anymore. Today morning, I told Rick about his ex contacting me and asked him what he would have said if his ex had asked him about us. Rick said that since he hadnt asked Rick, there was no need to answer. However, I did get my answer in his non-reply. So I told him that I am pulling myself out of this equation and we are just friends, nothing more.

I know that life is unfair to a lot of people. But I dont live their life so I dunno what they feel. I do live my own life and so far I have had pretty bad experiences, some I mentioned on my blog, some I didnt. So I have built up a lot of walls around me and I dont let people break them. Because people tend to break your walls, take a piece of you and leave. Until you are nothing but a shadow of what you used to be. Am I ok? No. How can I be? Someone had become a part of my life and now I have to start living without them in my days and nights. Will I be ok? You bet! Life has taught me that there is only one person who can truly take care of you, and its you. You are your own knight in shining armour and only you can fight your demons. Relying on anyone else just makes you weak. So I am doing this for myself. Until I am sure that someone wants ME and will be there for me, I wont give them even an inch of myself.

My head was filed with so many questions. So many doubts. So many confusions. But now its all clear.