Loser Like Me

"Why arent you more like every other guy?"


"Why dont you like sports? Cars?"


"Why arent you social?"


"You dont have a dressing sense."


"Your are so thin."


"Your walk is wierd."


From the time we enter teenage, we are showered with criticism. Seems like everyone wants us to be their version of "proper". Being a gay kid, I received 10 times the criticism than every other kid. Given above are just a few decent ones. From what I have seen so far, every gay person has a feminish side. In some people its more dominant than the male side and in others, there are just tiny hints of girlishness. It could be in their walk, how they talk, hand gestures etc. I was no exception. I wasnt a flaming queen. But I was more girly than a guy should be. So my childhood was filled with comments and snide remarks from my schoolmates to sometimes my cousins. As a result I kept to myself. The less people know me the better, was my theory.


As I grew up, I started growing out of it. I heard all the criticism and used it to my advantage, shaping myself into what I thought should be proper behavior for a guy. I knew I had a few girly habits, so I always made every effort to just shove them deep inside from where they cant come out. And I grew out of those habits. Seeing me walking down the street or talking to someone, you cant make out that I am the same guy who is used to be in school. The max that you will think of me is that I am a bit shy. An when I crossed my teenage, fashion sense kicked in and now I am among the best dressed in my institute.With time, the scrawny, bit girly, ugly kid from my past sort of disappeared from my memories. And I let my guard down. Big mistake.

A few days ago, I recieved an sms from a girl from my institute who flirts alot with me. That message was sent to me by mistake and in it she referred to me as the "Fake Hair Guy". Which I guess is fair since I use a flat iron to style my hair so my hair is not like every other guy. But still it pinched that she pretends to be such a good friend of mine on my face and makes fun of me behind my back. I thanked her for the compliment and she launched into an explanation of how this is what girl's do and it was just a joke. I didnt bother replying.


Yesterday I was with Brian and Chris and at one point Brian (who is more social than anyone I know) mentioned that a group of guys he hangs out with make fun of me. I was quite shocked on hearing that and I asked him why would they make fun of me? I dont even hang out with them, just hi hello. Brian told me that its a thing which they do from my school time. I was joked about then, so now they still do it, sometimes acting out like me. I didnt quite understand this because I am no longer the same guy, so why would they still make fun of me for something I am not? 


This kinda brought me down and I got lost in my thoughts for the remainder of the evening. I just kept wondering what is it that I am still doing wrong. There must be something that I didnt pay attention to or else I wudnt have been made fun of. I kept thinking even after reaching home and then it hit me. Nothing was wrong with me. I realized that there will always be someone who will want to change something in me. I will always come across people who will have some problem with me. I should learn to just block them out and live my life how I want to! Do stuff what I want even if it is roaming on the street in banana leaves!!! Wait, scratch that. Bad idea. On a serious note, we should live our lives on our own rules and not let the negativity of other people sink in. Because they just comment and move on and we are left with the negativity inside us. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt,


"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."


So to all the haters and critics, I got only one thing to say. You can say whatever you want, pass as many remarks as you can, make fun of me to make yourself feel better.....doesnt bother me. Because the person who wast effected by all this has left the building!

Didnt quite like this song when I first heard it, but now it stuck in my head! Plus it totally fits the post.