Fighting With Myself

In today's world, where we are constantly surrounded by temptation, trying to abstain from sex is not an easy thing to do. You can try and fight your sexual urges, sometimes you win, sometimes you loose. This post is about a few recent experiences I had.

One - Night Stud:

Sometime ago I mentioned a guy in my blog who I was really attracted to. You can read about him here. We met a while ago, had a good time. But with my no-sex deal, we didnt go too far. I didnt expect him to ask me out again. Who would with so many restrictions? But to my surprise he asked me to meet him 2,3 times again. However I excused. I was able to control myself one time. Dont know if I could do it again. Yesterday I got a message from him asking me to meet him. I was tired of refusing so I told him that I am still abstaining. He said he was fine with it. My heart started pounding and immediately a debate started in my head between my religious side which wanted me to refuse and my impulsive side which wants me to enjoy life a bit. My urges won and I said yes. 

As soon as I said yes, it felt like my stomach was filled with lead. I knew that with this guy it was just a physical thing. Just sexual attraction. So why did I say yes. Even though I knew I should've said no, I couldnt fight it anymore. So I tried my level best to ignore the lead in my stomach with "I can control myself." We were talking and then the guy asks me for my number. Which I found weird since we had exchanged numbers a long time ago. He started making excuses and I realized something. I was willing to sin with THIS guy??? Someone who had deleted my number and just wanted to get laid for a night? For him I was willing to break my record and be embarrassed infront of Allah? Oh HELL TO THE NO!!! I told him I would text him and then blocked him. You know the best part of this whole experience? The relief that I felt when I realized I wasnt going to see him. I felt elated, like some huge weight had been lifted off my chest. So I thanked Allah from not letting me make a mistake which I knew I would've regretted. 

French Fetish: 

For a very long time I have had this weird thing for France. The men, the language, the fashion, it all enchants me. I was recently contacted by a guy on Manjam. 28 years old, real cute from the looks of his pics and FRENCH!! I read his message and this image popped up in my mind of him whispering stuff in French in my ear while we.......anyways. After the exchange of pics, he said he would love to meet me. My first impulse was to say YES. It was one of my ultimate fantasies coming true. But then the stupid conscience kicked in and explained how its a bad idea because there is no future here at all with this guy. So I actually refused. I refused the cute French guy!! Ugh, it felt so bad, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

Latin-American Mix:

Just today I was contacted by a guy who said he would be visiting Muscat the next week and that he has a White friend who likes me and wants to meet me. The guy also attached his own pic which I didnt understand why. If he wants me to meet his friend, why would he be sending his own pic? Oh, did I mention that he is a Latino? And hot?!! I have asked him that why didnt his friend contact me then. Waiting for his response. But I know I am gonna refuse. Saying no has sort of become my nature now. So now I have a French guy, a Latino and an American guy asking me out. And I am refusing them!

Heaven better be worth it!!

Confusing Relations

Ever been in a relation where you dont know where you stand in the other person's life? Ever been bugged with questions such as "Are we friends or more?", "Why hasnt he called me or emailed me?", "What did he mean when he said this?", "Am I the rebound guy?", "Is this relation going anywhere at all??" So many questions and no answers. I have been living this confusion for the past month or so.

I mentioned about my foriegn affair guy sometime ago. You can read it here. Lets call him Rick from now onwards. When Rick left, I expected things to end. But instead, we became more close. We used to chat all day long through emails. He used to call me 3,4 times a day. I purchased a web cam for him because he wanted to have video chats with me. So then we used to have video chats almost every night. Things seemed to be heading somewhere. He had become a part of my life. My morning started with his good morning message and I slept after we said good night. He told me when he was here that his next trip would be in May. But a few days ago he just let it slip he might visit earlier but would not tell me the date. Plus he wanted to know about the hotels near my place. Yup, things definitely seemed to be going somewhere. Enter his ex.

I mentioned earlier that Rick is in love with his ex. I mean real love. I have so far never seen anyone so devoted to their ex. It didnt bother me. He had made it clear in the first date that his ex was always on his mind. But as time passed, we grew closer. Things started getting confusing for me. We didnt seem like just friends, but then his ex was always between us by something he said or did or something I did that reminded Rick of his ex. I still let it go. I had created a happy bubble of me and Rick having a future and was perfectly content in it. But you know what happens to bubbles right? They burst.

Two days ago Rick called me and told me that he hadnt spoken to his ex in a week and was having a chat with him that day but his ex kept responding in one or two words only. So I suggested Rick (or atleast was trying to) that he shouldnt contact his ex now until the other person does himself. I didnt mean it in an ego competition way. I was trying to help Rick see if his ex even wanted to be in touch with Rick or not. But Rick cut me in mid-sentence and told me not to say anything bout his ex. Ahh, so thats how it feels when someone punches you in the gut. I didnt know what to say to him then so we ended the call. I spent yesterday thinking about how stupid I was. I made up a whole future-relation in my own head. So I decided to end it. I was tired of mind games and questions in my head.

Yesterday I recieved an email from Rick's ex asking me what's going on between Rick and me. Huge surprise for me that he contacted me. I told him that he "should talk to Rick and leave me out of it". I didnt wanna be involved in this love triangle anymore. Today morning, I told Rick about his ex contacting me and asked him what he would have said if his ex had asked him about us. Rick said that since he hadnt asked Rick, there was no need to answer. However, I did get my answer in his non-reply. So I told him that I am pulling myself out of this equation and we are just friends, nothing more.

I know that life is unfair to a lot of people. But I dont live their life so I dunno what they feel. I do live my own life and so far I have had pretty bad experiences, some I mentioned on my blog, some I didnt. So I have built up a lot of walls around me and I dont let people break them. Because people tend to break your walls, take a piece of you and leave. Until you are nothing but a shadow of what you used to be. Am I ok? No. How can I be? Someone had become a part of my life and now I have to start living without them in my days and nights. Will I be ok? You bet! Life has taught me that there is only one person who can truly take care of you, and its you. You are your own knight in shining armour and only you can fight your demons. Relying on anyone else just makes you weak. So I am doing this for myself. Until I am sure that someone wants ME and will be there for me, I wont give them even an inch of myself.

My head was filed with so many questions. So many doubts. So many confusions. But now its all clear.

Tongue-Tied Lecturer

I have been a lecturer for more than two years. Being a lecturer at the age of 22 has its own difficulties. The image of a lecturer in our minds is that of a middle age guy with greying hair, in a tweed suit, wearing glasses and having eyes full of wisdom. A young guy with a french beard, long hair, t-shirts, torn jeans and earphones plugged in? Yeah, not so much.

My first batch was a horrible experience. I didnt know how to act like a proper lecturer. So instead of being a lecturer, I tried to be the friend of students. They didnt take me seriously because of me being young an all, so I used to be waiting for them in class while they were in the bowling centre! Baaaaad experience. When my second batch started, I took a leaf out of Dr. Miranda Bailey's book from Grey's anatomy. The first class, as an introduction of myself, I told the students how I am in a position to make their lives hell if they cross me. And I have been doing this since then because it is very effective plus fun for me. I do become friendly overtime. But the initial lecture? It stays with them.

I have had a pretty diverse group of students with respect to nationalities as well as age. Some are just 17 years old whereas there are some who are in their late 30s with 2,3 kids!! But to them, inside the classroom, I am their lecturer. I have always had this thing where I get sort of nervous and uncomfortable infront of a real good looking guy. Mostly I either dont talk to them or if I have to, I avoid eye contact. I wondered what would I do if I ever got a hunk as a student. But thankfully that never hapenned. Most of my male students were average looking. No one ever grabbed my attention except one who was a little above average but still just a kid. I've had pretty good looking female students. But sadly, not interestd ;)

Yesterday I was teaching as usual when the door opened and in came a guy from my nightmares! Very short hair, french beard, curious eyes, height almost as same as mine and a hot body!! I saw him and was filled with dread. I asked him if he was looking for my class or came accidentally. I kept praying "please say by mistake, please!!!" But he said he was looking for my class. So I asked him to sit down. Then I turned towards the board to compose myself. Also, I had totally forgotten what I was teaching!!!

For the first few minutes I totally avoided looking at him because he was staring at me! Other students look at me, he STARES!!!! As a result, I got almost tongue tied once or twice when I did look at him.I was worried that if I looked into his eyes, he would figure out I am gay! Silly me. But then I tried to calm myself and get over this phobia. He was after all my student. I made him very small in my head, put him in a tiny box and looked at him. Man, he can stare! Lol. But then I asked him a few questions, helped him in solving a few, so I was able to get through the day without embarassing myself. I did however cover my crotch area with my notes every time I turned towards the students!

Anyways, the dean has asked me to give a few extra classes to the new comers, including him. Here's hoping I dont make a fool of myself :) But is it soooooo bad to just hope that he finds me alone in the class sitting on the desk, closes the door, comes within inches of my face, grabs me firmly and.........crap! I am a BAD lecturer!!!

Loser Like Me

"Why arent you more like every other guy?"


"Why dont you like sports? Cars?"


"Why arent you social?"


"You dont have a dressing sense."


"Your are so thin."


"Your walk is wierd."


From the time we enter teenage, we are showered with criticism. Seems like everyone wants us to be their version of "proper". Being a gay kid, I received 10 times the criticism than every other kid. Given above are just a few decent ones. From what I have seen so far, every gay person has a feminish side. In some people its more dominant than the male side and in others, there are just tiny hints of girlishness. It could be in their walk, how they talk, hand gestures etc. I was no exception. I wasnt a flaming queen. But I was more girly than a guy should be. So my childhood was filled with comments and snide remarks from my schoolmates to sometimes my cousins. As a result I kept to myself. The less people know me the better, was my theory.


As I grew up, I started growing out of it. I heard all the criticism and used it to my advantage, shaping myself into what I thought should be proper behavior for a guy. I knew I had a few girly habits, so I always made every effort to just shove them deep inside from where they cant come out. And I grew out of those habits. Seeing me walking down the street or talking to someone, you cant make out that I am the same guy who is used to be in school. The max that you will think of me is that I am a bit shy. An when I crossed my teenage, fashion sense kicked in and now I am among the best dressed in my institute.With time, the scrawny, bit girly, ugly kid from my past sort of disappeared from my memories. And I let my guard down. Big mistake.

A few days ago, I recieved an sms from a girl from my institute who flirts alot with me. That message was sent to me by mistake and in it she referred to me as the "Fake Hair Guy". Which I guess is fair since I use a flat iron to style my hair so my hair is not like every other guy. But still it pinched that she pretends to be such a good friend of mine on my face and makes fun of me behind my back. I thanked her for the compliment and she launched into an explanation of how this is what girl's do and it was just a joke. I didnt bother replying.


Yesterday I was with Brian and Chris and at one point Brian (who is more social than anyone I know) mentioned that a group of guys he hangs out with make fun of me. I was quite shocked on hearing that and I asked him why would they make fun of me? I dont even hang out with them, just hi hello. Brian told me that its a thing which they do from my school time. I was joked about then, so now they still do it, sometimes acting out like me. I didnt quite understand this because I am no longer the same guy, so why would they still make fun of me for something I am not? 


This kinda brought me down and I got lost in my thoughts for the remainder of the evening. I just kept wondering what is it that I am still doing wrong. There must be something that I didnt pay attention to or else I wudnt have been made fun of. I kept thinking even after reaching home and then it hit me. Nothing was wrong with me. I realized that there will always be someone who will want to change something in me. I will always come across people who will have some problem with me. I should learn to just block them out and live my life how I want to! Do stuff what I want even if it is roaming on the street in banana leaves!!! Wait, scratch that. Bad idea. On a serious note, we should live our lives on our own rules and not let the negativity of other people sink in. Because they just comment and move on and we are left with the negativity inside us. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt,


"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."


So to all the haters and critics, I got only one thing to say. You can say whatever you want, pass as many remarks as you can, make fun of me to make yourself feel better.....doesnt bother me. Because the person who wast effected by all this has left the building!

Didnt quite like this song when I first heard it, but now it stuck in my head! Plus it totally fits the post.

Lines Crossed

This is gonna be a looooong post. Bear with me please. Also, I wont post any pic. Because with this topic, I can only link this song below. It reeks of haunting love, unfulfilled desires, regret and sadness.

 I had a class yesterday. Dont know if I have mentioned it but I am a lecturer. Brian called me up in the afternoon to meet me but I was preparing for my class so he told me that him and Chris will pick me up after my class and we will hang out. So after my class, we all went to KFC, then drove around a bit. After about an hour we headed to a spot near the beach where we always go in the end whenever we meet. Its at the seaside, no one comes there so its very peaceful. After some time we ran out of topics to talk about, Brian was texting his girlfriend and Chris and I were just sitting. So I got bored and started poking and teasing both of them. That is what I do. Better than just sitting and getting bored. I start teasing people like a child.

At one point I was standing with my back to the waist-high wall with my legs a bit spread apart. Brian comes and places himself between my knees and starts squeezing my upper thighs with an "I'm gonna do it" expression.

So I told him, "Do whatever you want."
"Are you sure?" Brian asked.
"Yeah, its not as if you are going to do something huge, so go ahead", I replied

He grabs my shoulders and comes near. He asked me if I am sure and I said yes. I thought he would start fooling around again. That's what he always does. Fool around. The next thing I know, his lips are on mine. Goosebumps erupted all over my body and my heart started pounding. It lasted only for like two seconds. It was just a peck on my lips. I just turned around with my hand on my mouth and I heard Chris literally screaming at Brian. After a few seconds Brian came from behind me and I felt his hand on my stomach but I pushed him back shouting "Have you gone crazy?!!!!"

Then something came onto me and I got all "You wanna do it? Ok! Do it now!". Brian got into his challenge mode and said "Not here, lets go to the car". I agreed. I was fucking tired of backing off! We left and Chris just kept shouting if we both had lost it. Once in the car, we were in the front seat. Chris sat in the back. I asked Brian, "Now what? Finished?" So he put his hand on my chest and then moved it in my tshirt. Just as he as about to reach my nipple, I grabbed his hand and pulled it out. He started laughing in a "I knew you wouldnt lemme do it" way. I told him, would he let me grab his nipple? He replied by grabbing my hand and putting it under his shirt. I closed my fist. Didnt wanna touch anything. So he removed his tshirt! Chris shouted again that we are in public so he put it back on.

We just sat there doing nothing for a minute. I felt glad that I won. I knew he wouldnt do anything when it actually comes to doing it. So I said "I knew it" and asked Chris to come to the front seat. I usually sit in the back. I sat on the back seat and Brian followed! He closed the door and sat near me. I asked "What now??". In a matter of seconds he had unbuckled my belt, un-do my zip and his hand was going in my pants. I did the same thing mostly to make him realize what he was doing so he would stop. My hand was inside his underwear and I accidentally brushed his penis. I told him I wont stop but he said he didnt ask me to stop. And then his hand was on my dick, but my underwear was between the two :p Then Chris drove onto the main road and it was all lights in the car so we pulled out our hands. After a few seconds something got into Brian again and he started moving towards me. I had decided not to back off! So I just bent myself a bit backwards so he was sort of on top of me. I asked him, "What now?" Then he pecked my lips again. Then he opened his mouth and kissed me. Two or three times, I cant remember. Then I think I turned my face away because I felt him kiss my neck. Then he stopped because Chris was livid with anger! He shouted alot at Brian and said alot of things. Some of which are:

"Are you gay? Or bisexual"
"How can you kiss a guy like this and not feel wierd?!"
"You need to stop doing this coz you r grossing me out!"
"You are willing to cheat on your girlfriend?!!!"

Brian took everything as a joke for a while. He told us he has kissed two of his other friends before because in his other group, those guys sometimes kiss each other as a challenge. Then he looked at me, smiled and said "But I always keep my mouth closed. You are the first one with whom I opened my mouth." To which I replied "I am so honored, lemme go and kill myself!!". Then we headed off to a mall to get some stuff for Chris. Coincidentally my parents were also there. We were standing with them when I looked towards the counter and saw Travis standing there and checking me out! My heart jumped to my mouth as it always does whenever I see him. But I just kept looking because he seemed different, fatter. Then my phone rang and it was my Foreign Affair guy. So I was in the mall, still reeling from the shock of what Brian did, Mum talking to me about jewelery, Travis staring at me and I was on the phone. Its a wonder my brain didnt turn into mush!

After coming home I texted Chris asking him why was he so angry. He isnt a homophobe in the least bit! Turns out he was trying to protect me. He wanted Brian to understand what he was doing and that he shudnt do somethings being a straight guy to someone who isnt straight. I am so lucky to have Chris. And today its gonna be a showdown between me and Brian. I have called them both to meet me. I have had enough. And I am gonna give Brian a piece of my mind. If it goes as it is in my head, it gonna be epic and an awesome next post. Till then, cheers peeps!

A FOREIGN AFFAIR

The internet has made the world such a small place. I live in Oman but I have made friends in US, UK, India, Pakistan and Dubai. The thing is, I made friends without seeing where the person lives, but I didnt expect one of them to actually turn up in Oman.

A few days ago I mentioned a guy on my blog. You can read about him here. We have been chatting on and off since then. A few days ago he mentioned that he would be coming to Oman for 3,4 days. He called me Saturday morning and told me that he is on his way to Muscat and would reach in the afternoon. He suggested we meet up in the evening. So I cut short my teaching class and met him.We went to the beach, walked for a while and then sat down at a real quite place. We were together for about two hours and mostly we just spoke about his ex. He is in love with his ex who is now committed to someone else. At the end of the meeting when I was leaving, I wasnt expecting him to contact me again because he mentioned that he only meets guys once and also because he had no interest in me. No he didnt say this but if a guy talks more about his ex than you, then you sort of get the impression that he isnt into you. After the meet-up, I went out for dinner with my family. During dinner I got a text from him asking if I could hang out with him after dinner. I couldnt so I refused.

The next day I was leaving for gym when I got  a call from him asking if I could meet him. I had an hour to spare so I agreed. We met up and I came back home after four hours!!! :P We went to his hotel room and hung out there. Now, people. Stop your wild imagination. We didnt have sex. The pants stayed on. The pants ;) I had a real good time. And he seemed to enjoy as well. We talked, joked, kissed, cuddled. Then I had to leave because Mum was getting worried. He was here for four full days and we met everyday. Three times we went to his hotel and once we went to KFC to have dinner which he termed as "my date". I never let anyone pay for my dinner when I am on a date. But in this case, the look in his eyes told me that I wouldnt win so I let him pay. The poor guy did my pick and drop every time. Once he even came to pick me from my house even though he didnt know it was my place. Just a coincidence. I have a few shops under my house and he knew that place so he thought he'd meet me there.

Today was his last day in Oman. He had planned to leave around 10:30 AM. He was about to leave when he got a call for a meeting at 12:30. He had more than an hour to kill so he called me and came to pick me from my house. We met up, stayed in the car, listened to songs and talked. When it was time for his meeting, I shook his hands and he left. Later I realized that I didnt even hug him. And that sort of made me sad because he told me his next visit might be in May. He texted me when his meeting got over and I sort of mentioned that we didnt even hug. After a few minutes he asked me to come down. I thought he was messing with me but when I came down, he was actually there! We hugged tightly and I kissed him stealthily on his cheek. My first ever PDA!!! Then he finally left. I later got to know that he had left his car under my building and gone for the meeting in his client's car :p But still, for a few minutes I got to feel precious! ;)

Even though he left around 2:30 pm, we kept in touch till 7:15. He kept texting me about where he is and how the conditions on the roads are. Protests are going on in Oman and I was worried. And just now I received his text about reaching home. Even though its obvious that he is in love with his ex and he kept talking about him, I connected really well with him. He struck chords in me that no one has before. And he came more close to my life than anyone else from the internet has. He saw my house and he actually saw Chris and Brian. In a way I am a little glad that he left today. I will miss him yes, but any more meetings and I would've started getting attached to him. And what's the point of checking out paths that you are not gonna take right?

My life here is usually pretty dull. Class, gym, occasionally hang out with friends and surfing the net. Nothing out of the ordinary routine. But this four day rendezvous was a very refreshing experience. One that I will cherish for a long time.